We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
