Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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