Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
