Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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