I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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