We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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