so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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