i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
