Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
