I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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