It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
