I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
