I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
