cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude i'm inner monologue high
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
