Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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