Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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