oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
