I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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