i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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