May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
