im about as happy as oj after his trial
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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