i want to swaddle you in tequila
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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