Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
