i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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