i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
