i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
