drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
