He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I can't turn off my feet"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
