So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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