I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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