Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
