woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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