I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
