YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
