Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
