help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
