thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
