i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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