I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
