Do you still have your period?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
