she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
