Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
