see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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