rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
