meet me or not, i'm out of control
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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