Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
