I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i've created a new STD.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Never let your siblings swipe right.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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