your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
