I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
