don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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