i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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