Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
