and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize