It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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