you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
