I never want to see another naked old woman again.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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