i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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