I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
