Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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