I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize