Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
