Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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