speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
